DISCLAIMER: I am NOT INSENSITIVE to the circumstances surrounding being a parent raising a child(ren) on your own, or not having the benefit of a loving father, or positive male role model in the home....That's not my personal experience. I also realize we are a product of our environment and unless drastic changes in the opposite direction are made, we tend to fall into the patterns that preceed us.
MOTHERS W/O PARTNERS
Please let the Fathers HAVE THEIR DAY, and Stop saying you're both Mother and Father. You may not love him, or even like him anymore....and there could be a laundry list of reasons WHY your Child(ren)s' father is not with you...but Why aren't they with their Children? Certainly if a man doesn't own the responsibility for his Children in EVERY WAY he's not a GOOD father...NONETHELESS HE IS Your Child(rens) FATHER!
My first question to a woman who says that, is EXACTLY WHAT do you mean when you say you're both Mother and Father? I NEVER get a direct answer!
Typically, the answer will be something along the line of... I do EVERYTHING for my child, I take them to baseball practice, football practice, soccer, music lessons, "teach him to pee in the toilet", I teach my child right from wrong, all about sex and have to discipline them, I wash, cook & clean.....ALL BY MYSELF!
Followed by...You don't know my struggle, you haven't walked in my shoes, so on and so forth. Well let me ask a question, especially if you were raised in a one parent home....Didn't you know it was going to be rough? Don't you remember how hard it was for your parent to keep food on the table and a roof over your head? Did you not think about ALL THAT before you acted? But now, you want to claim being both Mother and Father.... Come on ladies... Seriously?
Yes I know about mistakes...and accidents happen blah, blah... but the SAME ACCIDENT happening to the SAME PERSON yielding the SAME result is suspect.
I know this ain't you....BUT A LOT Of women are claiming Dual Parenthood, because in fact THEY HAVE NO IDEA Who the Child(rens) Father is....and That's all Ima say about that!
Before you say it... I already know what you're thinking, I'm being too harsh...I'm not being sensitive to the plight of Mothers raising children on their own... well what about this? How sensitive are you to your own situation especially if you've found yourself here multiple times? If I tackled, KNOCKED YOU DOWN and RESCUED you from being crushed by an 18 wheel truck, but you broke your arm... would you say I was being too harsh? No.... you got hurt by my actions, but your life was spared! The Same principle applies.
I will repeat, I Know the list is long as to why these children's father is not present in their life...but if I can suggest looking at what YOU may have done, or said (if anything) to contribute to his absence, because Rarely if ever...and I did say rarely, do I hear women claim ANY RESPONSIBILITY to Why their "man" isn't around.
If the baby daddy is SO "No Good" When did you KNOW THIS? You had to have seen SOME SIGNS that he may possibly be not the right candidate to have a child with? You may have even been warned REPEATEDLY...but that final choice was yours, and unless he raped you... YOU CONSENTED!
I want you to again remember this is not an indictment on you and your particular situation, but when you attempt to take something, i.e FATHERS DAY.. and it does not belong to you.... THAT'S THEFT and PUNISHABLE to your CHILDREN by depriving them of a balanced upbringing, if the dad chooses to care for his children.
I still don't understand how you eat the sour grapes by claiming in one breath you claim "You Don't Need a Man" and then fashion your mouth to say You're A Father! Why do you need to be Father if a Man isn't necessary... Just be Mom, after all that's ALL YOU CAN BE!
So Mothers, please make better choices for WHO YOU DECIDE to Father your Children!
PASTORS/SPIRITUAL LEADERS
This goes to the MILLIONS of Pastors and Church Leaders who will get up in the pulpit tomorrow morning from store fronts to Mega Churches and salute Fathers...BUT ALSO give an Honorable Mention to Mothers... If you call yourself a Man or Woman of
God, you are in ERROR, OUT OF ORDER and in DIRECT VIOLATION according to the COMMANDMENT of EXODUS 20:12.
To minimize and downplay the role of a Father by applauding, and congratulating Mothers for DOING THEIR JOB, regardless of how hard it is, is a slap in the face to the Body of Christ, the office you hold, GOD, His Kingdom and people YOU serve, and gives LICENSE and adds unmerited acceptance to the "You don't need a man" syndrome Most single women bear allegiance to.
If you are teaching your people correctly, they will ALREADY KNOW the enmity the enemy has FOR THE WOMAN, and your message should reinforce the need for a Spiritual covering of a HUSBAND and not that it's just OK to keep having children out of wedlock just because your congregation is 85.5% (made up statistic) women and single ones with children at that.
Mothers...you're crying over your LOST SONS and DAUGHTERS! Do you think this is a coincidence? Do you realize when you fill your childs head with negativity against their father you are ALLOWING YOUR CHILD TO DISHONOR THEM? Thereby shortening your OWN CHILDS LIFE? The word clearly says "Honor Thy FATHER and THY Mother THAT THY DAYS SHALL BE LONG"..... Not If He act right, or does right by you.
As the strong woman you say you are you should be able to SEPARATE the RELATIONSHIP between you and your X from the Relationship they have with their Child(ren) that's what STRONG, GROWN WOMEN DO! Not bitch and moan (yeah I said it) about how sorry their dad is. And in the case where multiple fathers are involved and you're singing the same sad song.... it's time to take a look REALLY CLOSE LOOK at who you're laying with and make some adjustments.
A REALLY STRONG Woman would recognize the fact her children need their Father in their life, and be able to separate the relationship with their man, and the childrens relationship with their father and do whatever it takes to make that happen instead of playing games and using the children as a pawn in a crazy game of manipulation and control. (Nobody really does that I'm just making it up)
And don't get me wrong in the case of abuse and abusive fathers they absolutely should not have access to your children, but if you're raising them according to the word, you will STILL not dishonor the man, whether he is honorable or not.
BABY DADDIES
If you're that guy who jumps from woman to woman dropping seed....walking away, and had recurring appearances on Maury..you know who I'm talking about... the one who's lost count of how many children you've fathered, or have trouble remembering all their names...I pray your babymaker FALLS OFF! If that doesn't happen I pray a spirit of DISCERNMENT if not just plain COMMON SENSE fall HEAVILY on the women and girls you prey on just to get your sexual satisfaction.
LITTLE GIRLS
Stop having BABY WARS to see who can have the most kids by "RICO" or whatever his name is! I don't know WHO you're watching and listening to, but you're not giving yourself a fair chance at life, and you certainly aren't contributing to a healthy society creating more "pleasure babies"
On "SINGLE PARENTING"
I'm going ON NOTICE THIS DAY by telling you that term is an OXYMORON! Many want to know HOW...It's very simple! It takes 2 PEOPLE One man, One Woman to make a baby. This fete can NOT be accomplished "Singularly". So it only stands to reason that If you, whether male or female are raising children without the assistance of the other party, you are a Parent but SOMEWHERE there is another half! The word SINGLE speaks ONLY to your Relationship status, or lack there of, and NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP with your Child(ren). i.e., Your role as parent may be expanded in a ONE-PARENT home, but you STILL don't get to claim BOTH!
FINALLY....FATHERS!
Today I Salute you...those who discipline, nurture, protect and provide mental, financial, emotional and yes spiritual support and a sense of well being for your children. If you're a Dad who is not in the home with your Child(ren) my prayer is that the mothers open their eyes and their hearts and give you the necessary latitude to be effective in positively molding and impacting your childrens life.
Ok.... I'm Done!
Happy Father's Day
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
New Beginnings and GRACE.....EXTENDED!
I remember My Mom Susan Virginia Westbrooks Anderson, on a daily basis, but THIS DAY, 15 years ago, my life changed forever! AMAZING How yet ANOTHER year has passed....almost EFFORTLESSLY, in some ways.....
At approximately 7:30 p.m.on April 17, as I sat in Providence Hospitals' Admission Office in Southfield Michigan, my life took a turn I didn't think I'd ever recover from.
I was there to assure the Hospital Administration knew how and where to reach me, when they made "the call" notifying me of my Mothers latest condition. They were sending me home, telling me there was nothing more I could do. Less than 15 minutes earlier, My Mom and I had been talking just fine, but suddenly, she had an episode that left her gasping for air, and she was crash carted to isolation. As I watched the gurney carrying my Mom speed down the corridor and the look of terror on her face, somehow I KNEW, it would be the last time I'd ever see her again....Alive!
As I completed all the necessary paper work, the clerk looked up and asked me "Now who do we contact for YOU, In Case of Emergency?"
I froze. The question was so unnerving, I actually lost consciousness!
With everything I'd experienced in the prior 6 months, my Mothers impending death, and a future that, up until that point seemed bright and full of promise; I now faced an unimaginable journey of uncertainty, drenched in sheer panic that was all too overwhelming, and I simply passed out!
After I came to... the answer to the clerks' question SHOULD HAVE BEEN...... NO ONE, but that would have made it more difficult for me to explain. So instead, sipping the glass of water she'd just handed me, with tears in my eyes; I whispered "I'll get back to you."
I don't remember the entire drive home, but I do remember murmuring, over and over again then finally SCREAMING as I had COUNTLESS TIMES since my Mothers diagnosis of cancer...."MERCY LORD!"
Later that evening, I gathered my thoughts, and looked around, what appeared to be an empty room, trying desperately to make sense of what was to come. Now, I truly believe I was looking for a hole in the wall to just disappear in to, because I DID NOT want to deal with or face the inevitable.
I thought about the clerks' question once again, and selfishly shifted the focus of sorrow from my Mother..... to myself. Up until that time, my go to person HAD BEEN my Mama, so now what...who? Then the Lord Spoke and said "that's the name of your book" ................
WHAT?! What book? I'm not writing a book! Lord, I'm sitting here, pleading with you to STOP what ONLY you can, and you're talking to me..... about a book?
He said again, your book will be entitled "In Case of Emergency"
Still puzzled and unclear WHY God is speaking to me about writing a book at this CROSSROAD in my life, I climbed the stairs to check on my Uncle. It was my responsibility to care for him, now that my Mom was incapacitated. I didn't want to upset him with the latest news, so when he asked I told him, she was doing great.
I began preparing him for bed, even though it was really to early, and remember looking at him as I said Good Night, Thanking God his state of dementia shielded him from fully understanding what was going on with his Sister. Then again, I couldn't really be sure.
For months, I too had developed a shield protected, Sybil-like state of separation. I'd been treating my Mom's care as a "business" in order to cope with my emotional distress. I had to pull out "Business Woman Sherryl" and keep her at the forefront in an attempt to trick my mind into believing my life was normal.
Once Uncle Johnnie was in bed, I decided to call my life-long friend Jenise. Ironically, our conversation took a turn that could only be categorized as a tongue-in-cheek view of death and dying.
I remember our chat being filled with an uneasy type of laughter as we joked about funerals and funeral homes. I looked across the room and saw "Sorrowful Sherryl", balled in the fetal position, weeping.
I ignored her.
Shortly after speaking with Jenise, my "boyfriend" came over. He had the type of personality completely devoid of emotion with reference to my Mom's situation. Like most nights, I didn't go into detail of the days events. That approach, I learned, yielded NOTHING in the way of sympathy or compassion. Instead, I focused on HIS day. I listened to his problems and empathized with his troubles and concerns, consoling and reassuring him, thereby realizing a pseudo feeling of security and comfort.
I know, it was a sick and twisted way of handling my emotions, but it was all I had....and I took it for what it was worth.
Before I retired for the evening, I walked right past "Sorrowful Sherryl" on the couch and called the hospital to check on Mom. No change in her condition, she was still critical and in isolation. I wouldn't be allowed to see her even if I showed up at the hospital.
5:15 a.m. April 18th, I'm startled, out of a semi-conscious state imitating sleep, by my dog. She let out a blood curdling howl, I'd never heard before. I fell out of bed to witness my poodle perched on the arm of one of my Mom's favorite chairs. Head tilted to the heavens, she continued to howl for at least 90 seconds.
I made my way to the telephone to check the caller ID and Voicemail. No calls. I checked my cell for the same, Nothing! I looked at "Sorrowful Sherryl" for some indication of what was going on, but as always she was in the same balled up weeping position. She was pathetic!
I called the 6th floor nurses station to inquire. I knew something was wrong when the nurse told me, they'd been trying to call me all night and placed me on hold. Not willing to wait, I hung up and rushed to put on my clothes, when the phone rang. It was my Mom's Oncologist, Dr. Ila Shah-Reddy. She spent the next 3 - 5 minutes apologizing and explaining what happened.
Something about the paper work I'd taken the precaution to fill out before I left the hospital, not making it to the Nurses Station in time, and that my Mothers' suffering was over.
Although, I knew and heard what she was saying, I experienced for a nano-second a queasy sense of relief that Mom's months of suffering were finally over. The reality that the end of her suffering was attached to her death......had not quite registered.
I hung up the phone and just stared at it. Once again I heard myself whispering repeatedly, "MERCY LORD!"
I took a very deep breath, and didn't know whether to let it out, or just hold it! I peeked at "Sad Sherryl" and knew I didn't have time to be bothered with her, not right now! I had to kick it in High Gear. I had arrangements to make, and obituaries to write, I had to make the best of my time and my resource, I had to "role up" into "Event Planner Sherryl."
The day was Thursday, April 18, 1996. I was determined to have my Mother's Celebration of Life Service, Sunday April 21 at the Straight Gate Church...with not much time to spare I went into action! I'm finally in my element...I had work to do!
I made exactly 3 calls, Bishop Andrew Merritt, my friend Jenise, and my cousin Jacquetta. As I prepared to leave the house, I walked next door and asked my neighbor to sit with my uncle, not knowing how long I'd be gone.
Reluctantly, I went back in the house, and dragged Sorrowful, Weeping, Pathetic Sherryl off the couch so we could go to the hospital and say goodbye to Mom, TOGETHER....it was only the right thing to do.
*********************************************
That was 15 years ago. That day, April 18, my Mom's physical life slipped away and she relocated from this earthly realm! The fact that I'm able to share this with you, is a sign of the progress as well as the process, it's taken me to reach this point.
About a year or so after my Mom's passing, I sat down and tried to fulfill what I'd heard God speak to me that night before she passed. I attempted to start writing "In Case of Emergency" but nothing came together. However EVERY DAY, since then the title of the book takes on a WHOLE NEW MEANING. Originally I thought it meant one thing, but in retrospect, it has a complexity of meanings.
When we get a directive from God, somehow we believe we're to do whatever the instruction RIGHT THEN. But fact is, that's not always true.....and it's taken all of 15 years for this story to unfold.
I can't help but think of Psalms 23:6 & 7 "Surely, Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord Forever." For Surely, these last 15 years have been ANYTHING BUT Good, but the Lord again reminds me that the "Goodness" was in His Promise rendered in Joshua 1:5 and Heb 13:5. And as always God is TRUE to His Word.
As I continue to put the finishing touches on the book, I wanted to share this excerpt on such a special and life changing day in my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
blessings,
praiZe
New Beginnings & Grace is an Excerpt from Ms. Hooks soon to be released book "In Case of Emergency" entitled "As the World Turned " © 2011 All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
12 Things as Negroes We DID NOT DO for Ourselves! Pt. I
Cover of Martin Luther King, Jr.
As I thought about it, I realized Dr. King would not be pleased to know his many years of labor did nothing to yield the harvest his marching, his speaking and ultimately his death exemplified. Instead in many communities, his name is synonymous with the "Boulevards" where a ghetto mentality is alive and prospering, and quite the opposite of what his message intended.
I remembered Dr. King in my own way on Monday. I also relived the sadness I felt when I learned of his death. Then I thought about how disappointed and even angry he'd feel if he were here to witness the condition of today's society.
Yes we have a President of Color, but in the scheme of things, how does that compare with what's going on in YOUR neighborhoods?
With all that in mind, I didn't see much reason to Celebrate!
A Couple of weeks ago, I had a discussion on my Facebook page about the "N" word and the behavior associated with it. If you're on Facebook you may be able to read the responses to my status update of December 29, 2010 where I wrote:
I think we got this whole "N" word thing backwards! They've been campaigning for a few years now to BURY the WORD....had ceremonies, marches & ere'thang!
But I been thinking MAYBE, if we BURY the BEHAVIOR the WORD will follow suit!
What you think, or is that too much to hope for?
http://www.facebook.com/SistersInSuccess#!/praiZe/posts/123155604418529
This morning I rose early as usual and found out I'd been added to a group dedicated to Saving Black Youth by Jay Earley. I have a great concern for the young people of today, black or otherwise, as evidenced by an article I wrote 23 years ago When Did We Lose Control, which was the spring board to the Quite AParent Organization. However before I had a chance to thank him for adding me to the group, my eyes fell on an article written by one Nannie Helen Burroughs, and it has changed the entire course of my day.
This manifesto entitled "12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself" Brillantly summarizes some of the problems that have been the root cause of the breakdown in our esteem, our families and our worth as a people. This Bold and Passionate Visionary foresaw and penned this outline perhaps 90+ years BEFORE Dr. King ever had his dream.
I don't know if this version of the article has been altered from its original state, and to me, that doesn't matter. But what I do know is this piece should be prominently displayed in the homes, on the dashboards, and in the ipods of EVERY NEGRO in the land IMMEDIATELY...and rehearsed and committed to memory....Lest We Forget!
I can tell by the way Ms. Burroughs wrote this article, her intended audience was Male, as she refers to the Negro as He and Him. The NATURAL ORDER, at that time in history, MEN lead the household, and the Women and Children took their leadership and guidance from him.
ANYTIME NATURAL ORDER becomes Out of Order, there is bound to be CHAOS and Confusion.
So for your consideration, I ask you to journey with me over the next 3 days to discuss Ms. Burroughs article: 12 Things The Negro Must Do for Himself! Here are Items 1 - 5
12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself
by Nannie Helen Burroughs
(Circa Early 1900's)
1. The Negro Must Learn To Put First Things First. The First Things Are:
Education; Development of Character Traits; A Trade and Home Ownership.
The Negro puts too much of his earning in clothes, in food, in
show and in having what he calls 'a good time.' The Dr. Kelly Miller
said, 'Th e Negro buys what he WANTS and begs for what he needs.'
2. The Negro Must Stop Expecting God and White Folk To Do For Him What He Can Do For Himself.
It is the 'Divine Plan' that the strong shall help the weak, but
even God does not do for man what man can do for himself. The Negro will
have to do exactly what Jesus told the man (in John 5:8) to do -- Carry his
own load -- 'Take up your bed and walk.'
3. The Negro Must Keep Himself, His Children And His Home Clean And Make
The Surroundings In Which He Lives Comfortable and Attractive.
He must learn to 'run his community up' -- not down. We can
segregate by law, we integrate only by living. Civilization is not a
matter of race, it is a matter of standards. Believe it or not -- some day,
some race is going to outdo the Anglo-Saxon, completely. It can be the
Negro race, if the Negro gets sense enough. Civilization goes up and down
that way.
4. The Negro Must Learn To Dress More Appropriately For Work And For
Leisure.
Knowing what to wear -- how to wear it -- when to wear it and where
to wear it, are earmarks of common sense, culture and also an index to
character.
5. The Negro Must Make His Religion An Everyday Practice And Not Just A
Sunday-Go-To-Meeting Emotional Affair.
Although her message was specifically targeted to the Negro, and I'm dealing with it from that angle for purposes of this blog, This is a message that can be adapted to any individual no matter race, color, creed or gender.
I'd love to hear your thoughts of how we can incorporate and infuse this truth into our daily lives. If we think individually, instead of collectively, it CAN BE DONE!
If you can't reply directly to the blog, join the conversation on our pages:
http://facebook.com/SistersInSuccess
http://facebook.com/QuiteAParent
http://facebook.com/SingleSis
Thanks for reading and I'll be back tomorrow with PT II Items 6 - 10.
blessings,
praiZe
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