I remember My Mom Susan Virginia Westbrooks Anderson, on a daily basis, but THIS DAY, 15 years ago, my life changed forever! AMAZING How yet ANOTHER year has passed....almost EFFORTLESSLY, in some ways.....
At approximately 7:30 p.m.on April 17, as I sat in Providence Hospitals' Admission Office in Southfield Michigan, my life took a turn I didn't think I'd ever recover from.
I was there to assure the Hospital Administration knew how and where to reach me, when they made "the call" notifying me of my Mothers latest condition. They were sending me home, telling me there was nothing more I could do. Less than 15 minutes earlier, My Mom and I had been talking just fine, but suddenly, she had an episode that left her gasping for air, and she was crash carted to isolation. As I watched the gurney carrying my Mom speed down the corridor and the look of terror on her face, somehow I KNEW, it would be the last time I'd ever see her again....Alive!
As I completed all the necessary paper work, the clerk looked up and asked me "Now who do we contact for YOU, In Case of Emergency?"
I froze. The question was so unnerving, I actually lost consciousness!
With everything I'd experienced in the prior 6 months, my Mothers impending death, and a future that, up until that point seemed bright and full of promise; I now faced an unimaginable journey of uncertainty, drenched in sheer panic that was all too overwhelming, and I simply passed out!
After I came to... the answer to the clerks' question SHOULD HAVE BEEN...... NO ONE, but that would have made it more difficult for me to explain. So instead, sipping the glass of water she'd just handed me, with tears in my eyes; I whispered "I'll get back to you."
I don't remember the entire drive home, but I do remember murmuring, over and over again then finally SCREAMING as I had COUNTLESS TIMES since my Mothers diagnosis of cancer...."MERCY LORD!"
Later that evening, I gathered my thoughts, and looked around, what appeared to be an empty room, trying desperately to make sense of what was to come. Now, I truly believe I was looking for a hole in the wall to just disappear in to, because I DID NOT want to deal with or face the inevitable.
I thought about the clerks' question once again, and selfishly shifted the focus of sorrow from my Mother..... to myself. Up until that time, my go to person HAD BEEN my Mama, so now what...who? Then the Lord Spoke and said "that's the name of your book" ................
WHAT?! What book? I'm not writing a book! Lord, I'm sitting here, pleading with you to STOP what ONLY you can, and you're talking to me..... about a book?
He said again, your book will be entitled "In Case of Emergency"
Still puzzled and unclear WHY God is speaking to me about writing a book at this CROSSROAD in my life, I climbed the stairs to check on my Uncle. It was my responsibility to care for him, now that my Mom was incapacitated. I didn't want to upset him with the latest news, so when he asked I told him, she was doing great.
I began preparing him for bed, even though it was really to early, and remember looking at him as I said Good Night, Thanking God his state of dementia shielded him from fully understanding what was going on with his Sister. Then again, I couldn't really be sure.
For months, I too had developed a shield protected, Sybil-like state of separation. I'd been treating my Mom's care as a "business" in order to cope with my emotional distress. I had to pull out "Business Woman Sherryl" and keep her at the forefront in an attempt to trick my mind into believing my life was normal.
Once Uncle Johnnie was in bed, I decided to call my life-long friend Jenise. Ironically, our conversation took a turn that could only be categorized as a tongue-in-cheek view of death and dying.
I remember our chat being filled with an uneasy type of laughter as we joked about funerals and funeral homes. I looked across the room and saw "Sorrowful Sherryl", balled in the fetal position, weeping.
I ignored her.
Shortly after speaking with Jenise, my "boyfriend" came over. He had the type of personality completely devoid of emotion with reference to my Mom's situation. Like most nights, I didn't go into detail of the days events. That approach, I learned, yielded NOTHING in the way of sympathy or compassion. Instead, I focused on HIS day. I listened to his problems and empathized with his troubles and concerns, consoling and reassuring him, thereby realizing a pseudo feeling of security and comfort.
I know, it was a sick and twisted way of handling my emotions, but it was all I had....and I took it for what it was worth.
Before I retired for the evening, I walked right past "Sorrowful Sherryl" on the couch and called the hospital to check on Mom. No change in her condition, she was still critical and in isolation. I wouldn't be allowed to see her even if I showed up at the hospital.
5:15 a.m. April 18th, I'm startled, out of a semi-conscious state imitating sleep, by my dog. She let out a blood curdling howl, I'd never heard before. I fell out of bed to witness my poodle perched on the arm of one of my Mom's favorite chairs. Head tilted to the heavens, she continued to howl for at least 90 seconds.
I made my way to the telephone to check the caller ID and Voicemail. No calls. I checked my cell for the same, Nothing! I looked at "Sorrowful Sherryl" for some indication of what was going on, but as always she was in the same balled up weeping position. She was pathetic!
I called the 6th floor nurses station to inquire. I knew something was wrong when the nurse told me, they'd been trying to call me all night and placed me on hold. Not willing to wait, I hung up and rushed to put on my clothes, when the phone rang. It was my Mom's Oncologist, Dr. Ila Shah-Reddy. She spent the next 3 - 5 minutes apologizing and explaining what happened.
Something about the paper work I'd taken the precaution to fill out before I left the hospital, not making it to the Nurses Station in time, and that my Mothers' suffering was over.
Although, I knew and heard what she was saying, I experienced for a nano-second a queasy sense of relief that Mom's months of suffering were finally over. The reality that the end of her suffering was attached to her death......had not quite registered.
I hung up the phone and just stared at it. Once again I heard myself whispering repeatedly, "MERCY LORD!"
I took a very deep breath, and didn't know whether to let it out, or just hold it! I peeked at "Sad Sherryl" and knew I didn't have time to be bothered with her, not right now! I had to kick it in High Gear. I had arrangements to make, and obituaries to write, I had to make the best of my time and my resource, I had to "role up" into "Event Planner Sherryl."
The day was Thursday, April 18, 1996. I was determined to have my Mother's Celebration of Life Service, Sunday April 21 at the Straight Gate Church...with not much time to spare I went into action! I'm finally in my element...I had work to do!
I made exactly 3 calls, Bishop Andrew Merritt, my friend Jenise, and my cousin Jacquetta. As I prepared to leave the house, I walked next door and asked my neighbor to sit with my uncle, not knowing how long I'd be gone.
Reluctantly, I went back in the house, and dragged Sorrowful, Weeping, Pathetic Sherryl off the couch so we could go to the hospital and say goodbye to Mom, TOGETHER....it was only the right thing to do.
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That was 15 years ago. That day, April 18, my Mom's physical life slipped away and she relocated from this earthly realm! The fact that I'm able to share this with you, is a sign of the progress as well as the process, it's taken me to reach this point.
About a year or so after my Mom's passing, I sat down and tried to fulfill what I'd heard God speak to me that night before she passed. I attempted to start writing "In Case of Emergency" but nothing came together. However EVERY DAY, since then the title of the book takes on a WHOLE NEW MEANING. Originally I thought it meant one thing, but in retrospect, it has a complexity of meanings.
When we get a directive from God, somehow we believe we're to do whatever the instruction RIGHT THEN. But fact is, that's not always true.....and it's taken all of 15 years for this story to unfold.
I can't help but think of Psalms 23:6 & 7 "Surely, Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord Forever." For Surely, these last 15 years have been ANYTHING BUT Good, but the Lord again reminds me that the "Goodness" was in His Promise rendered in Joshua 1:5 and Heb 13:5. And as always God is TRUE to His Word.
As I continue to put the finishing touches on the book, I wanted to share this excerpt on such a special and life changing day in my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
blessings,
praiZe
New Beginnings & Grace is an Excerpt from Ms. Hooks soon to be released book "In Case of Emergency" entitled "As the World Turned " © 2011 All Rights Reserved
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